No outside food or drink…

I must admit, this sign really makes me laugh.  What makes “inside” food or drink?  It really brings up visions of kindergarten teachers trying desperately to keep control of their students, saying dorky things like, “let’s use our ‘inside’ voices…”  If we want to get picky, at one point or another, all food and drink is outside.  Ham sandwich?  At one point that ham was alive… it had four legs… it said “oink, oink” whilst it rolled about in the mud.  The various ingredients of the bread were growing peacefully in a field in Kansas.  Where do you think they got the water for that Coca-cola?  But then again, how would one go about obtaining inside food or drink?  That would be a pretty good trick… “This cow we are about to slaughter for your meal has never left the back room of our restaurant… it was born here, and it’s gonna expire here.  Oh, the soda, we just make it using the various substances found in our restaurant, but nobody really knows what all is in there normally anyway.  We grow the potatoes in the mold under the counter.  And yes, we are health department certified!”  Somehow I don’t think the place would be very popular for long.  Nobody wants food THAT fresh.


Something else…  Fast Food used to require some communication ability to purchase.   “What can I get you?” “I would like a double cheeseburger, a medium coke, and some French fries, please.”   “Congratulations, you have the reading level of a fourth grader, we will reward you by taking your money and giving you food!”  Now, thanks to the advent of the picture menus on the counter at Mickey D’s, if you have an eye and at least one finger, you can order.  Hobbyist explosives experts celebrate!  You can make nine mistakes and still be in working order enough to eat!  But then again, the grandest invention brought to us by the Fast Food industry, is the combo meal (enter angelic music here).  Now, if you know one number in english, you can buy enough calories to feed yourself for a week.  “What would you like?”  “Four.”  “Four what, sir?”  “Four.”  “Small, medium, large, or Extra large, sir?”  “Four.”  “Okay, that will be right out… Four extra large number four’s, Charlie!”  Maybe that’s why kids are so screwed up at math in public schools… if they go out to eat, they don’t think they will actually need any numbers bigger than 10 in life.


A lot of people criticize fast food for making the country overweight… I don’t buy it, personally (the theory I mean, the food I buy all the time)… but a lot of the people I hear talking about it, they use that documentary Super Size Me as their number 1 argument.  First off, if you think fast food will make you fat, NEWS FLASH:  You don’t have to buy the stuff.  Ain’t a free market grand?  Second, who in their right mind eats the BIG meal at wherever they eat three times a day for any real length of time?  If you do, you deserve whatever happens to you.  Fast food is convenient (hence the term “fast”, right?), and for those of us who only have a 30 minute lunch break, the quicker the better, eh?


~ by xristosdomini on July 11, 2007.

8 Responses to “No outside food or drink…”

  1. You may be able to order french fries with only one finger, but I bet it takes at least two to eat them

    You’re too funny…

  2. I have another theory to offer on the “outside food” issue. Maybe it’s more of a cleanliness thing. Any food you bring into the establishment that is on your insides is OK. If, however, you are wearing food on your outsides, you are not welcome there… Clean shirts only, eh?

  3. lol, that doesn’t describe any fast food place I’ve ever eaten at..

  4. Haha… you’ve added the “nine mistakes” part since you showed it to me… I love it

  5. “No outside food or drink” means one is not allowed to bring their own food. This rule exists in places that have snack bars or vending machines, and the rule exists so that money will be made off the sale of the food or drink available for purchase.

  6. …………. no kidding………

    One attempt at bringing your Mike N’ Ike’s to the movie theater tells you that much. Those guys are pretty sharp at catching that telltale *schckk, schckkk* coming from somebody’s pocket.

  7. obviously you have never run a business that SELLS food. This may be the dumbest argument I have heard, ever. Thsnks for wasting my time.

  8. Dearest Joe…

    Number 1, it was your choice to read this post and make your “opinion” known.

    Number 2, please refrain from projecting a knee-jerk opinion on the author of said post.

    Number 3, this post is a rather clever joke. If you took it seriously, you have my deepest sympathy… after all, humour isn’t for everyone.

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