The Tribulation Survivor’s Guide

Hello, I’m here to tell you about an exciting book called, The Tribulation Survivor’s Guide.  Now available in the new and improved Pre-Apocolypse Rapture AND Post-Apocolypse Rapture editions, This comprehensive, thirteen volume work covers such various topics as:

*What to do in the event of a screaming locust attack

*How to drive safely in the event of the sudden rapture of a passenger

*Instructions for constructing a portable bomb shelter

*Three steps to avoid tripping while fleeing the Antichrist’s army

*Handy tips for inpenetrable disguises

*and many more!

And, in this limited special offer, order now and recieve our new “1001 recipes for Ramen noodles” absolutely free!  They’re cheap, they’re slightly nutritious, and a quite flexible foodstuff.

Order the Tribulation Survivor’s Guide today, and don’t forget to specify if you would like the Pre-Apocoplypse Rapture Edition:

So, millions of people suddenly disappeared from the planet, causing all kinds of havoc and adding a good two hours to your commute home?  Congratulations, you just missed the rapture you heathen, and should immediately skip to chapter 4 for instructions on repentence before continuing in this book.

Or new “Post-Apocolypse Rapture Edition”:

So, some lunatic maniac signed a 7 year peace deal with Israel and became King of the world?  Congratulations, you have just witnessed the rise of the Antichrist.  If you are one of the unfortunate souls without any religious education, you should immediately skip to chapter 4 for instructions on repentance before coninuing in this work.  If you are not faint of heart and have a faith to fall back on, please continue as normal.

The Tribulation Survivor’s Guide (TSG) is a service provided for by the Council of Stuffed Shirts and Pew Fillers of America (CSSPFA), and is not intended to offer an absolute blueprint for Tribulation survival, but merely general guidlines.  82% of the registered readers of the TSG have reported feeling safer and more prepared in the event of the sudden fulfillment of the Book of Revelation, and we are happy to report that none of them have needed to actually use any of the techniques therin yet.  However, your results may vary.  After all, no one really knows if there are actually screaming locusts or not… but if your passenger disappears out of your car on a normal day that is not the rapture, you are on your own.

Once again, order the Tribulation Survivor’s Guide today and recieve the new book “1001 recipes for Ramen” absolutely free.  Quantities are limited and operators are standing by, so order now… because you don’t know the day or the hour…

The Tribulation Survivor’s Guide…… When He arrives, will YOU survive?

Adam

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~ by xristosdomini on December 31, 2007.

8 Responses to “The Tribulation Survivor’s Guide”

  1. HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa! 🙄

  2. Wow… two eye-rollers in a row… I must be having an off week…

  3. Um… wow…

  4. oof… not even an eye-roll… you’re killing me, guys!

  5. I don’t know how to do an eye roll on this thing

  6. Please, please, I’m having my “feel pitiful moment!

  7. When He arrives, will YOU survive?… Too funny… Since I already have a Bible, which must cover all the “how to survive” stuff, can I just order the ramen noodle cookbook? Yum-O!

  8. made me smile 🙂

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